Dear DanDan....

2006-02-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry about my lack of posting recently. My computer has been unfortunately stricken with a virus. I attempted to give it anti-biotics but that only made matters worse. However I have been in the studio over the weekend singing backing vocals for the new Vibs and Dan single, a cover of the Alanis Morissette hit of the 1990s Ironic. You can hear me squawking away in the chorus of the song- featured on their upcoming album Ole. Dan, of Vibs and Dan, said he found my singing "very distracting" when trying to sing his lines. I am starstruck. Fem Taeer and I also appear on the album's cover alonside such stars as Ewan McGregor (who I blame for the cinematic flop that was Hit Me With A Chicken) and Madonna (who I blame for everything).

Speaking of Hit Me With A Chicken it comes out on DVD and VHS in all good and most bad video shops. Media experts are supposedly baring the view that the film will sell over 15 copies. So it should be more successful than my album then.

Don't forget that if you email me Fem Taeer will reply as soon as possible and I will claim that the advice was my idea.

DanDan

2006-01-25T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am going back to court. But for the first time in my life, I am not the one being prosecuted. I didn't maim, insult, hit with my car, drive to insanity, murder, sit on or accidentally crush anyone. Instead, I am on the receiving end of the, to use the technical phrase, "thrashing."

In today's issue of tabloid newspaper "The Sun" there was an insulting article published about me. In the "Celebrity Big Brother" column, it was mentioned that I would be a guest housemate in the house. However, a reporter said this about my appearance...

"I heard that imbecile DanDan Moppet was appearing on Celebrity Big Brother. And there's me thinking that he/she/it was already in there. After closer inspection I saw it was the beast's clone Pete Burns"

Can you believe that?? Who would be so rude as to liken me to that plastic surgery-ridden transvestite. I am a blue obscenity of indetermined gender!! Either way, I will leave the decision of whether or not he looks like me to you- the reader. Because as you can see, I have included an image of Pete Burns graphically edited to look like me. As you can see, the reporter was talking a load of shitake mushrooms.

Either way, I have hired the finest lawyer in town (Mr. F. Taeer) to defend me in my case which will be known to the press as "DanDan Moppet v. The Sun". Live coverage of the trial will be screened 24 hours a day on Sky News.

Either way, despite my hideous ordeal, I've been able to answer my first plea of 2006. This letter comes from Elstree in London. It is from someone named "Mr. Burns"...

Dear Aunt DanDan
I've been trapped in this mad-house for 22 days now. I've been deprived of cigarettes and privacy in the bathroom. But now my favourite newspaper has made a claim that my identical twin is a blue hermaphrodite. Please send a gun to Elstree Studios, I have lost all will to live

Wow, what a co-incidence. You've been compared to a hideous hermaphrodite, I've been likened to a monstrous transvestite. We seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps when you escape from your mad-house you can make an appearance on my all-new Channel 5 talk show. I'd enjoy that.

My busy January...

2006-01-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

It is almost February. The perfect time for me to wish all my readers a happy new year. I'm sorry that I haven't been posting this much. But after the terrible "Christmas fire" incident, I have been re-located, put in prison, bailed out, put back for swallowing my lawyer, released again and then signed up to perform live at the Brit Awards next month.

That's right, at 2006's Brit Awards I will be performing live on stage to a crowd of thousands. The televised award show is known throughout the country as putting together unlikely stars for duets. Most notably include Kylie Minogue & Justin Timberlake, Anastacia & Jamiroquai and Gwen Stefani, Missy Elliot and Alicia Keys.

Unfortunately for disappointed TV viewers Madonna was not willing to let sleeping dogs lie after I called her a "bitter talentless old hag" in the press and refused to perform a duet of her upcoming single "Sorry" for Earls' Court. How childish!

However, due to Madonna's diva-like behaviour I can concentrate on my solo performance of my all-new single. Because of the flop of my new album "Slap You While You're Sleeping" I've decided to record an experimental new CD simply entitled "Blue". Photography for the cover is due to begin after my guest appearance on Celebrity Big Brother.

No- your ears doth not deceive you. I am to appear briefly as a guest on the UK edition of Celebrity Big Brother, following in the footsteps of Sir Jimmy Saville and TV couple Richard & Judy. What I am to be doing in the house has not yet been revealed. Fear not, bloggers!! The details of my experience will appear in my freshly updated blog.

However, aside from my busy schedule as a singer and soon-to-be reality TV star, I have all my fame based around this problem page. Unfortunately for my fans 2006 has been a slow year for problems. So don't forget, if you have a dilemma then you can send me your problems at feelthefuzz@msn.com but please don't send me viruses as I have eyes, spies and flies everywhere and I will hunt you down and eat you.

Don't forget that you can catch me performing at the Brits (of which "Slap You While You're Sleeping" has been nominated for "Best International Trans-Gender Album") where I will reveal my new single "Better Than Madonna" to the British public.

...no hard feelings, eh, Madge?

Re-light my fire, your love is my only desire

2005-12-28T06:09:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, a fire broke up in my house on December 21st. I decided to roast the turkey 4 days early. But instead of putting the turkey in the oven, I accidentally put Fem Taeer's girlfriend Isis Tee in the oven. A huge fire erupted in my shoe house. Isis was rushed to hospital, and I was rushed to jail for arsen. Luckily, Fem Taeer paid my bail money, which meant he had to sell Isis' Christmas present, which meant that she was most unimpressed. Which is good, it keeps her away from my house!!

DanDan

x x x x

(ps. Thank onions, Christmas is over. But if you have any problems, don't forget you can email me at feelthefuzz@msn.com and I'll get back to you a.s.a.p.)

Good king Wenceslas looked out....and saw it was the women's changing rooms. slap

2005-12-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Fem Taeer told me he hated his Christmas present. So I had to go out and buy him another. But because I had no money after spending it all on "moose racing" I had to get a job in Debenham's as a Santa Clause. It's easy enough, pat a small child on the head, ask what he wants for Christmas, let his mother take our photos and eat them. Meanwhile, let's see how things look in the way of my prize draw...

On the sixth day of Christmas,

my Fem Taeer gave to me...

6 John's a-grinning**

5 cold things*

4 falling nerds

3 french pens

2 chocolate turtle doves

and A. Partridge floating in tee

As you can see, the prizes are getting even more pointless

~ DanDan xxx

* A snowman, a polar bear, a penguin, a coca cola and the planet Neptune

** John Cleese, John Travolta, John McCririck, Jonathan Ross, John Tickle and Jon Lee

As Kelly Clarkson would say "Merry Christmas, y'all"

2005-12-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, the Christmas clock is ticking. Today I tried to wrap up Fem's present, which was an exact statue of him. Unfortunately, I wrapped up Fem instead of the statue. However, I decided to leave Fem wrapped up and present the statue with the real thing on Christmas Day instead of the real thing. Let's see what we're adding to the prize box this week...

On the fourth day of Christmas my Fem Taeer gave to me...

4 falling nerds,

3 french pens

2 chocolate turtle doves

and A. Partridge floating in tea

Don't forget on...some date you can win not even one of the 12 prizes up for grabs!! Good luck!

Parrapapumpum

2005-12-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry about my lack of updating yesterday. I was accidentally eaten by an oversized pie. But it was blueberry pie, so I had to forgive it. Obviously. Meanwhile, outside of the pie, DanDan's Christmas extravaganza is still going on. So let's find out what's up for grabs now...

On the third day of Christmas my Fem Taeer gave to me...
Three French pens, 2 chocolate turtle doves and A. Partridge floating in tea

Can I please remind you that you can send all of your problems, queries and geese to feelthefuzz@msn.com and if I'm not too busy being eaten by pastries, I'll post a reply on the site!

On the first day of Christmas...

2005-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

12 days away from Christmas, it's time to start my "12 Days Of Christmas" extravaganza! Each day between now and Christmas I will be adding something fun to my prizes box, and on the 12th day (or the 13th since I don't wanna post on Christmas...too many turkeys to eat and dance around with) you will be asked a fabulous question and be given the chance to win not even one of the fantastic prizes. So...let's see the first prize....

On the first day of Christmas, my Fem Taeer gave to me...

A. Partride floating in tea!!

But all Christmas fun aside, I need to concentrate on a very serious and complex question asked to me by a fan today.

Dear Dan-Dan (the aunt),
Where do babies come from?
- A child who wants to know

Someone needs to talk to this child about the birds and the bees. And I think I'm just the aunt to do it!! You see, babies are formed when birds and bees fly into one another. When a bird is stung by a bee, a small growth otherwise known as an infection begins to form. This makes the bird lay an egg, which also carries the infection, which is then eaten by your mother who then discovers she is pregnant. Then comes child birth. I'll not get into that, but let's just say it involves an electromagnet and a sheep.

Resurrected...or so I've been told

2005-11-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday night I was pronounced dead. My organs were taken out, found to be made of plasticine and discarded of. A coffin was made, tested, broken and replaced by a much better and more secure one. A funeral was planned, a vicar was discovered, bribed, arranged, accidentally murdered by a much more unkillable one. And right in the middle of a speech at the start of my service...I woke up. Not that I knew what I was doing.

Last thing I remembered I was playing murder in the dark. I hadn't taken my Donald Duck "stay awake" pills, and collapsed into a deep slumber. I then had a dream that seagulls took my arms and flew me over the Mediterranean Ocean where they dropped me. Gasping for air, that's where I woke u. Just in time to hear Fem Taeer saying "I'm glad she was dead." I wondered where I was. I assumed I'd fallen asleep in the fridge again. So naturally I pushed the door open and was at a funeral...mine!!

What an odd revelation. And the worst of it all...I missed Teletubbies!!

Does DanDan have the X-Factor?

2005-11-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

My television debut!! I am well-known throughout the music industry for my controversial but nontheless beautiful lyrics, fantastic dancing and well-rounded banjo solos. Just last week it was suggested by Geri Haliwell herself that we should record a duet. So naturally, I have been offered a spot as a judge on Simon Cowell's "The X-Factor."

It emerged on the news this morning that Louis Walsh has left the TV talent show in the middle, after being publicly humiliated by Sharon Osbourne and more to the point her flying glass of water. Today I was casually sitting at my desk in my PA's office, spinning around on her computer chair singing Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend and throwing paint-balls around, when her phone rang. Naturally, it wasn't my office, so I answered immediately.

Simon Cowell was on the other end of the phone, offering me a place as replacement judge for Louis. So this Saturday, I will be making my debut as a mentor for the "Under 24's" category on ITV's hit talent show.

Speaking of Louis I received a rather desperate and frankly time-wasting email from the "ex-X" judge. He seems to have gotten himself into a bit of a flap. Read below for my first ever celebrity letter (and don't forget that Irish accent if you're reading aloud)...

Dear DanDan,
Something terrible has happened. As you know, like yourself, I'm a bit of a celebrity Z-lister. So I feel you will sympathise greatly with my letter. Last Saturday, on national television, a "woman" threw a glass of water over me. This was not the first time such an event had occured. This woman was Sharon Osbourne
Because of aforementioned embarassing moment, I decided to leave the TV show I was working on. And I now regret doing this. Because I have been replaced by an obscenity. How can I get him/her/it to back down without hurting his/her/its feelings?
Yours,
Louis Walsh

How strange. It seems I'm not the only one who's taken a job from Louis this week. Apparently an "obscenity" has too. I wonder who he means. As far as I know he was only ever working on one show. Hmmm....

Until next week: Don't count your turkeys till they're cooked. Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today, it was announced that my new album "Slap You While You're Sleeping" has been stopped because of controversial lines in my songs. In particular, the song "Dance On Your Grave" written about my ex-husband has been banned. Apparently the line "I want to kill you, Harold, and watch you burn" caused particular controversy.

So I'm afraid to say that my third album has been banned, just like my first which featured nude pictures of me on the inside cover and my second which contained subliminal messages telling people to kill all poultry. It is truly a sad day for me. Even The Sun, which once attempted to pay me thousands of pounds to pose on Page 3, is mocking me.

But at least I haven’t lost everyone’s trust. Just as you thought DanDan was slipping out of the digital age, I received a problem from someone via voice clip (!!) today. It was highly irritating to make transcripts for. Please, no one send me another voice clip ever. Either way, I did transcribe it and this is what my poor Katherine had to say…

Dear Aunt DanDan
My name is Katherine and I am from a very very foreign country which you probably don’t know so I won’t bother mentioning what it’s called. But I have a problem and it’s *sniff* hard for me to *sobs* talk about it. But the problem is…I don’t know what my problem is.

But I do have a problem, I’m sure about that. I just don’t know what it is. So Dear DanDan, please tell me what my problem is. Or I’ll go mad.

I need to know guinea pig. I need to know what my problem is. I’m hamster going to otter stop this recording and when I’ve done this I’m looking forward to getting a nice ferret letter from you that will answer my moose question.
So good-worm-bye.

Katherine is obviously suffering from a terrible illness. “Animal tourettes.” It’s basically the same as normal Tourettes, but animal names are used instead of obscenities. To get rid of this hideous illness, you must travel to Ireland and climb the highest mountain you can find. I will meet you there with the next stage of your quest. Fair thee well…

Hit Me With A Chicken... 18/11....

2005-11-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the judgement days for all of you muggle folk. The fourth Harry Potter film will hit cinemas, captivating audiences across the country…maybe even the world. Well- not if I can help it.

I have another plea to make. Regarding this new “spectacular.” Give it a miss. And come and see me and Ewan McGregor in our new “all-singing, all-dancing” spectacular: “Hit Me With a Chicken.” The film has been given a lot of criticism recently, after the allegations that Ewan has been hitting people with chickens outside of filming. I would like to stress that this is merely a rumour, and you should see my film instead of Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire regardless of Mr. McGregor’s personal life.

Besides my hectic schedule (it was the premiere this Wednesday when I imfamously entered wearing a half-dead but half-alive goose as a dress) I have had time to answer a very unorthodox letter. I say letter, it was actually an email. Pardon my grammar.
Here is the exact message…

Dan-Dan-of-the-very-much-Dan.
I received an e-mail today of the most alarming nature. It appeared from the very first moment that I had been in close-contact with a mad-man.
"You there," the e-mail began. "As of this
moment you are my wife by law and by crook. Ian Sane."
There! That's what it said...therefore I come to the conclusion that I am married to a mad-man I never
met. Help! - Yours ever, ?

A similar problem once happened to me. I was engaged in a relationship with a chef (well, an oven) when suddenly a singer (well, a hi-fi) approached me and told me that he “loved me and wanted to be with me always.” I found out shortly afterwards that the hi-fi was not talking to me, PeaPea had merely put a love song on loudly. I was highly embarrassed.

That’s all I have to say for today.

Until next week, never forget: The fence is always greener on the other side of
the grass

Happy Birthday Beau

2005-11-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to wish a happy birthday to someone very special to me. This certain someone is someone I met on Muppet Central, a fansite for the muppets. He is a well-known and loved user at said website. And on this- his 18th birthday- can I please say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BOVEGARD!!!

Seriously, man. Happy birthday

Lots of love,

Your favourite blue hermaphrodite

DanDan

x x x x x

Coming soon to all good toystores.....

2005-11-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

Oh well. Madonna got the number one spot. And I didn’t. Her new dance single “Hung Up” went straight to number 1 this week in the UK singles chart. My new punk song “Hang Up” debuted rather dreadfully at #92. You may say this is terrible, but it did better than my first single, a cover of Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex.”

However, she may have beaten me to the top spot, but can Madonna say that she now has her own version of the world’s biggest board game to get profit…I mean fame…I mean satisfaction of making people happy from? After consulting Google, I discovered that in fact she does not. But your Aunt DanDan does!!

No, your ears doth not deceive you. “Waddingtons” approached me and asked me if I could be their next inspiration for a special edition of “Monopoly.” After much deliberation and even more consumed kites, I reluctantly agreed. And now, just in time for Christmas, you can buy my all new board game. This is Monopoly- DanDan style.

For starters, the traditional and frankly boring destinations have all been eliminated. Instead of “Old Kent Road” and “Mayfair”, you can visit “Fem Taeer’s Shoe Box,” “Strawberry Fields” and the “Slap You While You’re Sleeping Recording Studio.”

Secondly, you will notice that houses and hotels are no more. Instead, inspired by my fair self, you can now purchase “Haystacks” and “Giant shoes” to help you rake in the “DanDan dollars.”

You will also notice that the original and entirely random and meaningless play pieces have not been altered at all. This is because, as I said to the head game designer, “I have eaten one of all of these things at one point.” However, in addition to the normal pieces you can now- for a limited time only- play with a computer, a strawberry and an “I Hate Madonna” sign.

Because I’ve had such a busy couple of days (my pop career is *ahem* taking off, and I have a board game to promote) so I haven’t been able to answer a lot of your pointless, useless and entirely time-wasting letters. Apart from this one, which I received from someone from the great purple land we call America.

Dear Aunt DanDan
Judgement day is nigh.
Lots of love,
Doreen

Well Dodo, if I may call you that, it sounds to me that you are a total insane person and you shouldn’t be let out of the house alone. Perhaps you should consult a therapist or- to cut out the middleman- an insane asylum. There’s a padded cell with your name written all over it Dodo. Right next to mine.

Until next week, never forget: “A rolling stone wannabe gathers Kate Moss.”

Slap You While You're Sleeping vs. Confessions on a Dance-floor...

2005-11-13T04:58:00.000-08:00

That treacharous Madonna is a scheming little so-and-so. She is releasing her new album "Confessions On A Dancefloor" on the same day as my all-new folk/hardcore rap album "Slap You While You're Sleeping." We've always had a long-running feud ever since I hit her with my lorry (which was full of flesh-eating koalas at the time) but now she has sunk to a new low.

What's more is that she has copied my album cover entirely...

And it's not the first time this has happened. Back in the year 2000, I was new on the scene of the music industry; and I was ready to release my album "Mosaic." As it turned out, Madonna had a similarly named album called "Music" lined up to come out in the same week. And I have never fully forgiven her for doing this, as once again she copied my album art entirely. For evidence of this offence, be sure to check out these websites:

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c112/AuntDanDan/DanDan-Mosaic.png

http://freeweb.supereva.com/cdcoverart/copertine/music_madonna.jpg

I urge you, fans of Aunt DanDan. Cometh November 14th, stay as far away from the evil, Satanic "Confessions On A Dance-floor" and stick with the pure, wholesome and entirely Godly "Slap You While You're Sleeping." It is time to teach that evil but fabulous woman a lesson.

In other news, I was contacted via email this week by someone who has a rather unfortunate problem, this is what I was sent...

My dear lady,

May I present you with thie green flower in honour of
your engagement to the prince of pinapples, and may I ask a simple questian.
"Why do dogs bark, and cars park?"

Asking in Alaska

1) I am not a lady, you rude individual

2) I am allergic to everything green- including green flowers. That is why you will find me shivering under my bed listening to the soundtrack to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on St. Patrick's Day

3) The prince of pineapples and I are over. He said he needed someone more interested in pineapples. I said I needed someone more interested in hunting down Madonna and burying her.

4) The word is "question"

5) Dogs bark because they can. Cars park because otherwise they would keep moving permanently and eventually drive down a bank or something equally as unfortunate would take place.

6) Asking? You must have had strange parents. Mine were stranger though. Literally, they were strangers. They found me in a pile of goose faeces and raised me between them.

I think that pretty much covers everything you said in your letter. Now may I urge you to purhcase my album on Monday, featuring songs like "Hang Up", "Forgive Me", "I Hate New York" and other ripoffs of Madonna songs...

Until next time, never forget: Every little thing that you say or do, I'm hung up. Hung up on you.

(ps. If you have a dilemma, don't forget to contact me on feelthefuzz@msn.com and provided you don't put any viruses on my computer I'll get back to you A.S.A.P.)

For those who want an iDanDan

2005-11-06T04:40:00.000-08:00

I've had many requests from people asking for iDanDan's, the all-new portable music system from the geniuses down at Apple. And my answer to all of those pleas is:
"Get a life. They're not real."

DanDan
x x x x x

Caught between a brick and a fitness video...

2005-11-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hello there dears. Recently I've been very busy doing all kinds of interesting promotion for my fitness video, which will be out just in time for Christmas. That's right, our Aunt DanDan is following in the footsteps of Davina McCall, Jade Goody and the only 3 attractive people on the cast of Coronation Street to bring you my all new "Lose Some Weight- You Pig" video which will hit the stores at the end of this month.

But don't think that DanDan is too busy to answer her fan letters. Just yesterday I was shredding a big pile of fan letters when all of a sudden a brick was thrown through my window. And on the brick was a message. A message in an ancient language....

http://photobucket.com/albums/c112/AuntDanDan/Brick.jpg

Of course, I realised I was holding the brick upside down. Luckily, Fem had just fixed my digital camera (after I bashed it intentionally with a feather duster until it was good and dead) so I decided that instead of turning the brick upside down and reading it like that, I would upload the image onto my computer and hang upside down from the ceiling so I could read it

For those of you less able than myself it says...

Dear Aunt DanDan,

I hate you!! You still
haven't answered my letters. So far I've sent you 16
and you haven't given
me any response to my embarassing problem.

However, I read your
interview in "Heat" magazine and you said nothing
makes you happier than
having things thrown at you!!

So ha ha ha! Here is this brick!! You evil
old buffon

Here is my response to this fabulous act of fabulousness.

Dear Anonymous,
I realise it must be frustrating when someone doesn't answer your letters. I would give you a response now...but you forgot to put your name on your brick. So I still can't answer your letter.

So the moral of this story is obviously:
"Always put your name on bricks you put through peoples' windows"

Until next week never forget Rice
Pudding Never Lies.

Welcome back to our Dear DanDan!!

2005-10-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Guess who's back? By popular demand from everyone in the MopFam world- I am back for more. Since we last spoke, my site was unfortunately deleted by that traitorous but non-the-less gorgeous "Dan Blake" but here we are: new name, new site, new set of problems to resolve.

If you have any problems then don't even dare hesitating to ask me for my advice. I won't even attempt to grumble or complain- I simply love meddling, err I mean helping, people with unfortunate and embarassing dilemmas.

I look forward to your emails, don't forget the address is feelthefuzz@msn.com and I will be certain to give you my (occasionally painfully) honest advice.

A new and totally random new feature to the site is "Fem Taeer's Thought For The Day" which will make it's debut when I make my own debut

Until next time,
Forever online
Aunt DanDan
x x x x x x

Dear DanDan....

My busy January...

Re-light my fire, your love is my only desire

Good king Wenceslas looked out....and saw it was the women's changing rooms. *slap*

As Kelly Clarkson would say "Merry Christmas, y'all"

Parrapapumpum

On the first day of Christmas...

Resurrected...or so I've been told

Does DanDan have the X-Factor?

Hit Me With A Chicken... 18/11....

Happy Birthday Beau

Coming soon to all good toystores.....

Slap You While You're Sleeping vs. Confessions on a Dance-floor...

For those who want an iDanDan

Caught between a brick and a fitness video...

Welcome back to our Dear DanDan!!

Good king Wenceslas looked out....and saw it was the women's changing rooms. slap